1 00:00:08,240 --> 00:00:12,120 Read about the things that happen throughout the world. 2 00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:17,580 Don't believe in everything you see or hear. 3 00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:22,120 Read all about it. 4 00:00:22,340 --> 00:00:27,560 Read all about it. News of the world. News of the world. 5 00:00:40,650 --> 00:00:43,950 And welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Daryl O 'Brien. Joining me this week are Ria 6 00:00:43,950 --> 00:00:48,350 Lina, Rhys James and Mark Simmons, Angela Barnes, Sean McLaughlin and 7 00:00:48,350 --> 00:00:49,350 Beckett -Kay. 8 00:00:56,130 --> 00:00:59,210 We start tonight with a round call. If this is the answer, what is the question 9 00:00:59,210 --> 00:01:01,850 on the board of six categories? Sean, which category would you like? 10 00:01:02,150 --> 00:01:06,650 I will have sport, please. Okay, your topic is sport. The answer is two. 11 00:01:07,370 --> 00:01:12,350 Is it how many people in this audience are staring at me amazed that Lionel 12 00:01:12,350 --> 00:01:13,990 Messi has been booked for Mock the Witch? 13 00:01:15,990 --> 00:01:19,570 Is it based on this seating plan, what's the maximum amount of gingers allowed 14 00:01:19,570 --> 00:01:20,570 on a single team? 15 00:01:22,530 --> 00:01:25,510 Is it how many pubes does Rhys James have? 16 00:01:27,250 --> 00:01:28,249 Not anymore. 17 00:01:28,250 --> 00:01:29,250 Hope you enjoyed your dinner. 18 00:01:31,570 --> 00:01:36,650 Is it what is the sum of how many good decisions Keir Starmer has made plus 19 00:01:38,390 --> 00:01:44,650 Is it how many men does my wife invite round when she wants to freeze them? 20 00:01:48,210 --> 00:01:51,890 Is it how many brothers does Princess Anne wish she had? 21 00:01:54,050 --> 00:01:58,390 Is it what number will you never see after the film title Marley and Me? 22 00:02:01,250 --> 00:02:02,370 Too soon? 23 00:02:03,210 --> 00:02:06,290 Is it how many faces has Peter Mandelson got? 24 00:02:08,139 --> 00:02:10,979 Is it how many fingers is too many for a prostate examination? 25 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:18,460 You look traumatised then, Dara, so... I know too much. 26 00:02:19,980 --> 00:02:24,780 Is it at what hour do I, a bad boy, start eating after rape? 27 00:02:26,860 --> 00:02:31,900 Is it in what year did the Virgin Mary start googling nannies based in 28 00:02:35,470 --> 00:02:38,590 Is it what we're going to have to lower the drinking age to to save all the 29 00:02:38,590 --> 00:02:39,590 pubs? 30 00:02:41,050 --> 00:02:43,850 Is it how many sex positions do I know? 31 00:02:46,610 --> 00:02:52,570 Is it how many syllables and what the syllables are in Desmond's surname? 32 00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:04,900 What is the maximum number of sneezes you can do in a row before I think 33 00:03:04,900 --> 00:03:06,000 an attention -seeking bellet? 34 00:03:07,580 --> 00:03:11,920 Is it how many words does Donald Trump read on an autocue before he goes off 35 00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:12,920 screen? 36 00:03:14,020 --> 00:03:17,340 Is it what's my Uber rating, given I always ask for a go on the gears? 37 00:03:21,020 --> 00:03:22,660 You have the correct answer. 38 00:03:22,940 --> 00:03:26,120 How many people know what the word wuthering actually means? 39 00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:30,600 Did someone actually win two gold medals? 40 00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:32,300 At the Winter Olympics? Like two? 41 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:34,420 That's correct. Thank you very much, Realina. You're very good. 42 00:03:34,620 --> 00:03:35,620 Yes, 43 00:03:37,740 --> 00:03:41,580 the question I'm looking for was, how many gold medals did Team GB's Matt 44 00:03:41,580 --> 00:03:44,580 win at this year's Winter Olympics in Milan Cortina? This year, Weston became 45 00:03:44,580 --> 00:03:48,040 the first British athlete in history to win two medals in a single Winter 46 00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:51,540 Olympics. The men's skeleton and the mixed team skeleton with Tabitha Stoker. 47 00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:52,960 That's mad, the skeleton. 48 00:03:53,380 --> 00:03:56,760 It's insane. Going down a mountain on a tea tray, I'd rather go down on a 49 00:03:56,760 --> 00:03:57,760 gorilla. 50 00:03:59,150 --> 00:04:00,870 Too many Winter Olympic sports are the same. 51 00:04:01,350 --> 00:04:03,250 They're all just versions of sledding, isn't it? 52 00:04:04,590 --> 00:04:08,590 It's just sledding, head first, sledding, feet first, sledding, feet 53 00:04:08,590 --> 00:04:09,590 a bloke on top of you. 54 00:04:10,730 --> 00:04:14,250 There's too many Winter Olympic sports where the person doing it could die 55 00:04:14,250 --> 00:04:15,790 halfway through and we wouldn't even know. 56 00:04:16,890 --> 00:04:21,290 If a corpse was going round, they could be on their third victory lap and we'd 57 00:04:21,290 --> 00:04:22,290 only then know. 58 00:04:23,310 --> 00:04:25,430 Do you think they'd loop around on that corpse? 59 00:04:26,410 --> 00:04:28,190 Are the dead ones why they call it skeleton? 60 00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:34,660 I love the name. Like, I just read, what is it, Matt Weston wins skeleton gold? 61 00:04:34,920 --> 00:04:36,120 What a great headline. 62 00:04:36,420 --> 00:04:39,300 It could be anything. You found the skeleton gold adventure. 63 00:04:39,940 --> 00:04:42,480 But the Orcs rubies will not come so easily. 64 00:04:43,420 --> 00:04:47,140 He's either a Winter Olympian or a pirate. There's two people who win 65 00:04:47,140 --> 00:04:50,900 gold. The headline, Brit takes gold in skeleton, does sound like we're just 66 00:04:50,900 --> 00:04:52,340 trying to fill up the British Museum again. 67 00:04:53,940 --> 00:04:58,240 They said he celebrated with three slices of margarita pizza. 68 00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:01,160 Like, that's the rich tea of pizzas, for a start. 69 00:05:01,460 --> 00:05:05,600 If I won a gold medal at the Olympics, I'd be waterboarding myself with Ben and 70 00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:08,760 Jerry's and then getting bonnie -blued by the Danish ice hockey team. That's 71 00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:09,760 right. 72 00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:17,900 I just really get that image out of your head, Scott. 73 00:05:18,140 --> 00:05:21,260 When you're being interviewed by Claire Balding, you wouldn't use the word 74 00:05:21,260 --> 00:05:22,340 bonnie -blue as a verb. 75 00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:30,120 Didn't we win a gold in snowboarding as well? Yeah, in the Snowboard Cross, 76 00:05:30,300 --> 00:05:34,300 which is an excellent event, because then one group down first, and then you 77 00:05:34,300 --> 00:05:37,720 stagger the... Oh, it's just a really good race of a thing, yeah. The 78 00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:42,200 Cross Mixed Relay. Yes. Which is way too specific and way too many words to be 79 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:45,580 impressive. Yeah. It's like the sort of award that a service station wins. 80 00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:50,280 LAUGHTER In a service station, you see a sign that says, we've got officially 81 00:05:50,280 --> 00:05:53,120 the most carbon -neutral WH Smiths on the M6 southbound. 82 00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:54,640 LAUGHTER 83 00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:59,420 We'll never be a winter sport power because of because of our climate now I 84 00:05:59,420 --> 00:06:05,240 to Canada a couple of winters ago It was minus 30 degrees when I landed minus 30 85 00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:08,560 if it got to minus 30 in this country Do you think the airport would still be 86 00:06:08,560 --> 00:06:12,980 open? If it got to minus 30 in this country the king would go on the news to 87 00:06:12,980 --> 00:06:19,740 legalize cannibalism All order is over just survive 88 00:06:19,740 --> 00:06:22,920 just survive we may see you in spring we may not 89 00:06:25,650 --> 00:06:30,030 Matt, to be credit for what he's done, only took this up because he was injured 90 00:06:30,030 --> 00:06:32,570 playing other sports. He was generally very good at sports. 91 00:06:32,810 --> 00:06:36,750 And he ended up in hospital with a shattered back and then was noticed 92 00:06:36,750 --> 00:06:39,830 one day the porter was pushing him for the operation and slipped. 93 00:06:41,930 --> 00:06:45,930 And he was out the front door of the hospital and down the main street and 94 00:06:45,930 --> 00:06:46,930 like, ahhh! 95 00:06:47,390 --> 00:06:50,090 And there were two guys lifting it, they had a pane of glass and they're like 96 00:06:50,090 --> 00:06:51,090 forward and back. 97 00:06:52,810 --> 00:06:55,010 Then there's the guy going, oh, I've set up me fruit stall for the day. 98 00:06:55,270 --> 00:06:59,030 And then there's a washing line, and he went through that as well. And then he's 99 00:06:59,030 --> 00:07:00,050 all in ladies' underwear. Oh! 100 00:07:03,970 --> 00:07:08,590 How have the curling events been the hotbed of controversy at these Olympics? 101 00:07:08,790 --> 00:07:11,350 Well, there's been lots of controversy about cheating, darling. 102 00:07:11,710 --> 00:07:14,750 But there's always been cheating in curling. It's just usually they sweep 103 00:07:14,750 --> 00:07:15,850 under the carpet really quickly. 104 00:07:18,590 --> 00:07:19,590 Thank you! 105 00:07:22,730 --> 00:07:24,110 It's so controversial. 106 00:07:24,390 --> 00:07:27,670 There's been more double -touching at this Olympics than in the Epstein Files. 107 00:07:29,370 --> 00:07:33,030 They said it was a lot of fuss over nothing, didn't they, the double 108 00:07:33,030 --> 00:07:35,810 They said it's not much a single finger can do. I say you haven't lived. 109 00:07:37,930 --> 00:07:41,650 It's the finger in question. It's the Canadian. Is that a lingering finger? Is 110 00:07:41,650 --> 00:07:45,030 that a lingering finger past the line? You have to release it and not let it 111 00:07:45,090 --> 00:07:46,310 like when they were in the Swedes or Furious. 112 00:07:46,530 --> 00:07:48,370 They were swearing, wasn't it? They were swearing on the ice. 113 00:07:51,660 --> 00:07:56,000 I get why they cheated, to get the glory of being an Olympic gold medalist in 114 00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:59,380 curling. There's not a person in this room who didn't grow up wanting to be 115 00:07:59,380 --> 00:08:00,820 Klaus Flogel when they were little. 116 00:08:02,900 --> 00:08:05,100 What is the actual issue with double touching? 117 00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:06,840 Is it because it'll make you go blind? 118 00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:12,800 There is a big cultural difference with the Canadians that maybe we don't 119 00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:15,880 realize. My wife is Canadian, so I know this. Like, I remember on our first 120 00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:19,820 date, I said to her, you look a million dollars. Right. Do you have any idea how 121 00:08:19,820 --> 00:08:21,620 weak the Canadian dollar is? 122 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:26,720 But curling is, to be fair, like, obviously curling is pathetic. 123 00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:27,940 We know that. 124 00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:30,520 It's an active activity at best. Okay, curling. 125 00:08:31,310 --> 00:08:33,350 What? That's a shit stag do, isn't it? 126 00:08:34,070 --> 00:08:37,230 It's darts. It's no different than darts. It is darts. It's a pumpkin. 127 00:08:37,230 --> 00:08:40,970 doing darts on their stag do? Never organize a stag do. 128 00:08:42,510 --> 00:08:44,570 It's very tough to be a stripper at that stag do. 129 00:08:46,810 --> 00:08:49,410 I said single touch, not double. 130 00:08:49,610 --> 00:08:52,850 But it is the only Winter Olympics sport with transferable skills because 131 00:08:52,850 --> 00:08:56,250 there's a cleaning element to it where you could actually do a job after it. 132 00:08:56,250 --> 00:08:58,170 did you point at me when you're talking about cleaning? 133 00:09:00,170 --> 00:09:01,370 I've done so much directing at me. 134 00:09:01,890 --> 00:09:03,470 Oh, okay, yeah, let the Irishman clean. 135 00:09:04,270 --> 00:09:07,930 You're just in the crossfire like a stripper on a stag do, I'm afraid. 136 00:09:09,590 --> 00:09:12,530 But like the other Olympics, there's no transferable skills, is there? If you do 137 00:09:12,530 --> 00:09:16,050 the luge, what can you do? Just test out MRI machines in future. 138 00:09:18,080 --> 00:09:22,620 It has been an Olympics marked by, and this sounds obvious in a way, people 139 00:09:22,620 --> 00:09:25,620 slipping and sliding. There's been a lot of people falling over and doing badly. 140 00:09:25,860 --> 00:09:26,920 I mean, the men figure skating. 141 00:09:27,220 --> 00:09:32,240 I mean, what a huge surprise, because all of the favourites fell, and the 142 00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:33,960 was the guy who just did a figure of eight pushing a penguin. 143 00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:40,700 But this guy, I feel for him, because he's an American citizen, but his 144 00:09:40,700 --> 00:09:44,700 are both Russian, so it's not surprising he's getting a bit nervous around ice. 145 00:09:51,590 --> 00:09:53,110 Mira, what's going on here? 146 00:09:55,350 --> 00:09:57,630 Well, I guess it's not just the police who are looking for leads. 147 00:10:04,050 --> 00:10:07,570 I really feel like step on your toes there. I do apologise. 148 00:10:08,230 --> 00:10:11,130 Dogs are usually taken out for a shit, not by a shit. 149 00:10:13,350 --> 00:10:16,530 It's actually nice to see him wearing trousers for once. 150 00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:22,760 What's happened is he's realised that the only way that the British public 151 00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:25,520 hate him more is if he becomes the dog bin man. 152 00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:30,900 I think that dog's looking pretty healthy, given in the last six weeks 153 00:10:30,900 --> 00:10:32,640 probably only been fed shredded documents. 154 00:10:45,470 --> 00:10:48,490 The biggest PR team have just gone, you need to look more normal. Just go out 155 00:10:48,490 --> 00:10:49,910 and take your dog for a walk. Not like that. 156 00:10:52,770 --> 00:10:53,970 Do you know your rigid dog? 157 00:10:54,190 --> 00:10:57,650 That's the dog you have. Bring that rigid dog out for a walk somewhere. 158 00:10:57,650 --> 00:10:58,650 be great. 159 00:10:58,970 --> 00:11:02,290 He looks like he hasn't got cash to pay the cabbie and he's gone, is this all 160 00:11:02,290 --> 00:11:03,290 right? 161 00:11:04,830 --> 00:11:07,990 Maybe he's just, after all the paparazzi, he just takes the dog and 162 00:11:07,990 --> 00:11:13,950 He's holding it the wrong way around. 163 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:20,340 I can't remember how long it took to train my dog, but it'll come to me. 164 00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:25,840 The thing that upsets me about the whole Manderson thing, though, really, is 165 00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:28,360 that the police searched his house, and it took them two days. 166 00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:31,360 If the police searched my house, it would take four minutes. 167 00:11:32,140 --> 00:11:34,320 They would just be like, oh, is it under the stairs? He doesn't have stairs. 168 00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:37,240 Oh, is it in the garden? He doesn't have a garden. 169 00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:38,840 Oh, is it under the mattress? 170 00:11:39,100 --> 00:11:40,100 You're not going to believe this. 171 00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:45,760 Has anyone been on the island recently, by the way? Has anyone actually gone out 172 00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:48,760 to that island? Does it still operate? You wondered if you could get a cheap 173 00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:49,760 holiday? No, I just wondered. 174 00:11:50,740 --> 00:11:52,820 This is the stuff Martin Lewis won't tell you. 175 00:11:54,020 --> 00:11:58,020 Surely the flights will be relatively cheap now, and the accommodation will be 176 00:11:58,020 --> 00:12:01,960 clear, and there's no nail, or whatever. I mean, it must be Jurassic Park. It 177 00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:03,160 must be reverted back to nature. 178 00:12:04,220 --> 00:12:06,180 It's going to turn up on one of those Omaze ads. 179 00:12:09,899 --> 00:12:14,220 This incredible island was probably scrubbing furiously the back. 180 00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:18,560 It's like how weddings are really cheap if you have them on September the 11th 181 00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:22,580 still. It's that sort of... So what, we're talking a 9 -11 wedding on Epstein 182 00:12:22,580 --> 00:12:27,580 Island? I want to know what the payment references were. 183 00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:31,360 Because he supposedly got sent 75 grand in three payments by Epstein. 184 00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:35,480 But when you buy a dildo on the internet, it doesn't say dildoshop .com 185 00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:36,319 bank statement. 186 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:37,380 How do you know that? 187 00:12:39,150 --> 00:12:41,330 It's like, Dartmouth Solutions Limited. 188 00:12:43,490 --> 00:12:47,350 Finally, during the update, there's a lawyer typing in Dartmouth Solutions. 189 00:12:51,660 --> 00:12:53,720 financial advisor going, what? 190 00:12:54,580 --> 00:12:57,000 We're on the telly. This is the best press I've ever got in my life. 191 00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:03,380 If you buy a dildo now online, what you do is banks will go, you sure this is 192 00:13:03,380 --> 00:13:03,859 not a scam? 193 00:13:03,860 --> 00:13:06,160 Have you checked the dildo? Have you looked at the dildo? Who did you buy the 194 00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:06,919 dildo from? 195 00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:11,400 Is it definitely a real dildo? Stop making me, stop asking me questions. Is 196 00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:13,160 dildo for a relative? 197 00:13:16,040 --> 00:13:18,220 That's a deal that would have been recommended by somebody who contacted 198 00:13:18,220 --> 00:13:19,119 of the blue. 199 00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:20,340 That happens. 200 00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:25,760 I look at Mandelson now and I just wonder, how much more scandal, how much 201 00:13:25,760 --> 00:13:30,320 disgrace can this man be hit with? I mean, what is going to emerge next? Is 202 00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:35,840 going to emerge that Mandelson wrote the finale of Game of Thrones and he's got 203 00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:38,280 Nando's black card and he only uses it for water? 204 00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:42,160 There's going to be a picture of him kissing a bat in Wuhan in 2012. 205 00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:49,020 At the end of that round, the points go to Anderson and Alistair. 206 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:56,320 Join us after the break for more Mock the Week. 207 00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:06,400 The next round is called Between the Lines, and the pitch is Alistair and 208 00:14:06,540 --> 00:14:08,100 Would you make your way to the press pit, please? 209 00:14:08,340 --> 00:14:10,860 Rhys will deliver a speech in the guise of a leading figure on the world stage, 210 00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:12,960 and Alistair will translate what they really mean. 211 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:15,120 This week, Rhys is Emmanuel Macron. 212 00:14:18,490 --> 00:14:21,350 Bonjour, je m 'appelle Emmanuel Macron. 213 00:14:21,630 --> 00:14:23,830 Je suis le président de la République. 214 00:14:24,190 --> 00:14:25,550 Je voudrais vous parler. 215 00:14:26,550 --> 00:14:28,770 Is this going to be all in French? 216 00:14:31,910 --> 00:14:34,450 Our countries are... I've lost confidence in the accent. 217 00:14:39,930 --> 00:14:44,050 I'm going to... I'm going back to my one, thank you. 218 00:14:46,510 --> 00:14:50,490 Our countries are so close geographically, it is a pleasure to make 219 00:14:50,770 --> 00:14:52,890 I'm gonna do the accent the whole way through. 220 00:14:59,910 --> 00:15:03,430 I came by dinghy from Calais to piss off Nigel Farage. 221 00:15:04,930 --> 00:15:07,950 I am so cool, I even wear sunglasses indoors. 222 00:15:08,630 --> 00:15:09,890 I have conjunctivitis. 223 00:15:11,730 --> 00:15:14,750 We will work tirelessly in the defense of Europe. 224 00:15:15,050 --> 00:15:17,430 24 hours a day, seven days a week. 225 00:15:17,630 --> 00:15:23,150 We will work tirelessly in the defense of Europe, six hours a day, four days a 226 00:15:23,150 --> 00:15:24,150 week. 227 00:15:24,910 --> 00:15:28,450 Back home, I have to be on my guard against the rising right. 228 00:15:28,950 --> 00:15:31,510 Mind you, Bridget has a great left hook, too. 229 00:15:33,130 --> 00:15:35,390 I remain very sad about Brexit. 230 00:15:44,750 --> 00:15:47,190 The UK has been in the EU since 1973. 231 00:15:47,770 --> 00:15:50,550 It was so long ago, my wife was only in her 40s. 232 00:15:52,390 --> 00:15:55,830 Remember, it was France that lit the flame of liberty for the world. 233 00:15:56,050 --> 00:15:58,710 And then threw it through the window of the nearest car. 234 00:16:00,210 --> 00:16:04,050 I will defend negative stereotypes of the French until my last breath. 235 00:16:04,490 --> 00:16:06,090 Although, it will smell of garlic. 236 00:16:07,890 --> 00:16:10,750 European countries all face the same common problems. 237 00:16:11,170 --> 00:16:12,170 Moi. 238 00:16:14,190 --> 00:16:17,410 I want to say that I am very sympathetic to the difficulties Keir Starmer is 239 00:16:17,410 --> 00:16:18,410 having. 240 00:16:18,830 --> 00:16:23,910 I have an excellent relationship with Trump. 241 00:16:24,190 --> 00:16:27,730 I'm so far up his arse, I can see Keir Starmer's shoes. 242 00:16:31,010 --> 00:16:32,770 Well done, Teresa Larson! 243 00:16:38,650 --> 00:16:40,570 So, what's going on here? 244 00:16:41,350 --> 00:16:44,890 It's Keir Starmer, just... one rock, paper, scissors to get all the chairs. 245 00:16:48,070 --> 00:16:52,950 What I'm more worried about is why at this conference is there a headboard 246 00:16:52,950 --> 00:16:55,290 a pair of gold handcuffs on the board? 247 00:16:55,810 --> 00:16:57,830 Dartmouth Solutions Limited, of course. 248 00:17:00,450 --> 00:17:02,590 She's like, we also arrange conferences. 249 00:17:04,010 --> 00:17:08,290 The storm of saying Britain doesn't need to increase defence spending, not with 250 00:17:08,290 --> 00:17:09,290 these fists. 251 00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:14,079 Let me show you my one -inch punch. 252 00:17:15,740 --> 00:17:18,680 The staff would think this is the first date's restaurant, and that's Fred. 253 00:17:21,980 --> 00:17:25,319 What is it? Where is it happening? Do we know? I think this is Munich, where 254 00:17:25,319 --> 00:17:29,700 Macron was giving a speech about Europe's need to rearm. 255 00:17:29,940 --> 00:17:33,580 And it's very important that that is delivered in a French accent and not a 256 00:17:33,580 --> 00:17:34,580 German accent. 257 00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:38,700 You know, if it weren't for the French accent, the ideal accent would have been 258 00:17:38,700 --> 00:17:41,160 a Geordie accent, because it's statistically the most trustworthy. 259 00:17:41,500 --> 00:17:45,160 Like, I regret to inform you all that we are at war with Russia. 260 00:17:46,360 --> 00:17:47,360 Given's panic. 261 00:17:50,060 --> 00:17:52,980 Yes, it is. Emmanuel Macron, UK Prime Minister, kissed down a picture at the 262 00:17:52,980 --> 00:17:54,420 Munich Security Conference recently. 263 00:17:55,300 --> 00:17:57,020 Do you know what Macron said during his speech? 264 00:17:57,220 --> 00:18:00,040 I found it pretty harrowing to hear him say that he wants Europe to become a 265 00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:01,040 geopolitical power. 266 00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:04,500 Sorry, are we not already a geopolitical power? That's like if you're getting a 267 00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:07,980 driving lesson and the instructor goes, God, one day I hope to pass my test. 268 00:18:08,360 --> 00:18:13,400 LAUGHTER At the end of that round, the points go to Mark, Rhys and Ria. 269 00:18:18,120 --> 00:18:20,900 The next round is called You Win Some, You Lose Some. 270 00:18:21,300 --> 00:18:27,720 This game... ..involves Mark and Sean, so if you could make your way to the 271 00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:30,340 performance area, please. This round is a stand -up challenge. I launch the 272 00:18:30,340 --> 00:18:33,400 wheel of news, and wherever tuned, one of our performers must step forward and 273 00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:34,400 talk about that subject. 274 00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:35,920 The winner is whoever I think is the funniest. 275 00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:38,140 OK, here we go. Let's have our first topic, please. 276 00:18:39,980 --> 00:18:41,020 OK, it's media. 277 00:18:41,360 --> 00:18:42,360 Oh. 278 00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:45,960 Everything's changing in the media. 279 00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:49,620 Apparently, we're the last generation who are ever going to know what a 280 00:18:49,620 --> 00:18:50,620 newspaper is. 281 00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:53,620 All right, physical newspapers are going to die out in the next 10 years. Oh, 282 00:18:53,660 --> 00:18:54,660 this is a tragedy. 283 00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:57,760 They're the one thing from our time on this earth, the future generations, 284 00:18:57,980 --> 00:18:59,400 they're not going to be able to get their heads around. 285 00:18:59,780 --> 00:19:03,700 You tell a kid in 30 years what a newspaper was, they're going to be like, 286 00:19:03,700 --> 00:19:04,700 are you talking about? 287 00:19:04,900 --> 00:19:09,940 You're telling me there was a 7 ,000 -page document with all the news in it 288 00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:13,320 all the sport, and some of them just had tits in it? 289 00:19:15,470 --> 00:19:18,070 Yeah, that's what we have of all the internet. Big sort of Argos catalogue 290 00:19:18,070 --> 00:19:19,070 of news, sport. 291 00:19:19,210 --> 00:19:23,850 Yeah, topless women, but also money advice, Garfield comics, financial news, 292 00:19:23,850 --> 00:19:26,350 this sort of stuff. What was it, like once a month you'd get it? 293 00:19:26,670 --> 00:19:28,090 Every day of your life. 294 00:19:29,070 --> 00:19:33,210 There was a new one to read every day of your life. What, even on Sunday? On 295 00:19:33,210 --> 00:19:35,930 Sunday they were twice as big. No one knows why. 296 00:19:37,060 --> 00:19:40,740 No one knows why, but they were there waiting for you on your doorstep in the 297 00:19:40,740 --> 00:19:44,160 morning. What, there wasn't like a shop that you went to? This is going to sound 298 00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:47,360 crazy. We hired children to bring them to us. 299 00:19:50,900 --> 00:19:52,780 I don't know how any of it was legal. 300 00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:59,600 We had massive heavy bricks full of tits and images of war, and we summoned the 301 00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:00,740 children from their beds. 302 00:20:02,460 --> 00:20:03,460 Get up! 303 00:20:03,950 --> 00:20:07,570 Drag this sack around the neighborhood. Mr. O 'Reilly needs to see a topless 304 00:20:07,570 --> 00:20:08,790 woman before 7 o 'clock. 305 00:20:09,990 --> 00:20:11,850 Or he's not going to drive the school bus. 306 00:20:13,550 --> 00:20:14,690 Thank you very much, Charles. 307 00:20:18,210 --> 00:20:19,830 OK, the leaves have been marked. 308 00:20:20,090 --> 00:20:21,090 Let's see who your topless is. 309 00:20:22,030 --> 00:20:24,510 Going out. 310 00:20:27,330 --> 00:20:30,590 Oh, I've had a great day today. Went out earlier, found some money in the 311 00:20:30,590 --> 00:20:33,070 street. Just next to some bloke singing. 312 00:20:37,219 --> 00:20:39,980 So my wife hates public displays of affection. 313 00:20:40,380 --> 00:20:43,800 It's one day she wouldn't kiss me in front of people and I think she ruined 314 00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:44,800 wedding. 315 00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:47,920 That's not true. 316 00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:50,120 No, I don't have a wife. 317 00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:55,220 Do I have a girlfriend? No, that's true. And actually after, she wants to go out 318 00:20:55,220 --> 00:20:57,100 for a meal tomorrow night. She said yes. 319 00:20:57,520 --> 00:20:58,840 So now I've got the flat to myself. 320 00:21:03,850 --> 00:21:07,410 Recently went to an Italian restaurant, couldn't decide which pizza I wanted, 321 00:21:07,530 --> 00:21:08,850 and the guy was like, half and half? 322 00:21:09,110 --> 00:21:10,190 I was like, no, I'll pay. 323 00:21:13,550 --> 00:21:16,570 After the woman where the toilet was, she said, straight out the back. I said, 324 00:21:16,570 --> 00:21:17,570 know how to do it. 325 00:21:24,030 --> 00:21:27,370 The other day, my grandmother fell asleep in the restaurant. It's okay, 326 00:21:27,370 --> 00:21:28,370 it was Nando's. 327 00:21:34,170 --> 00:21:37,470 This guy's phone went off a bit rude. He answered it just after the chat. 328 00:21:37,690 --> 00:21:40,770 Just started having a chat during the gig. I was like, right, I'm a 329 00:21:40,770 --> 00:21:43,670 comedian. I'll deal with this. I said, who is it? He went, it's your mum. 330 00:21:44,790 --> 00:21:47,570 And that got laughed in the room. I thought, actually, it's quite funny. 331 00:21:48,250 --> 00:21:49,770 Anyway, turns out he'd nicked my phone. 332 00:21:53,100 --> 00:21:57,200 I did this benefit gig, like a charity fundraiser, and Boris Johnson was there, 333 00:21:57,280 --> 00:21:58,740 right? And he knew I was a comedian. 334 00:21:58,980 --> 00:22:02,260 He asked me the classic question. He said, what's the worst heckle you've 335 00:22:02,260 --> 00:22:05,280 had? And I said, fuck off, you wanker. 336 00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:06,800 I don't get heckled. 337 00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:10,100 Thank you very much, Mark. 338 00:22:12,120 --> 00:22:14,040 I did round the band's go -to. 339 00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:17,300 Shove a gotcha! Let me come back here. Thank you very much. 340 00:22:20,050 --> 00:22:22,590 Join us after the break for more of The Week. 341 00:22:29,290 --> 00:22:32,530 Our next round is called Picture of The Week. 342 00:22:32,750 --> 00:22:34,990 I'll turn the panel to Topic and I'm going to ask them to tell me what's 343 00:22:34,990 --> 00:22:37,070 happening. So, teams, what's going on here? 344 00:22:38,250 --> 00:22:40,030 Six hard hats, one helmet. 345 00:22:43,050 --> 00:22:47,890 This is a work they visit from a local company. I think they're called 346 00:22:47,890 --> 00:22:48,890 Solutions. 347 00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:52,820 Very discreet. Ring them up, call them. 348 00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:55,200 It won't appear in your phone bill. It's very good. 349 00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:56,480 They're not a scam. 350 00:22:57,160 --> 00:22:58,440 Is it the village people? 351 00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:02,680 This is why you check the WhatsApp. I'm going as a builder. 352 00:23:05,060 --> 00:23:08,900 Gosh, it's nice to see someone who's in the Epstein files actually surrounded by 353 00:23:08,900 --> 00:23:09,920 actual minors. 354 00:23:15,660 --> 00:23:17,280 Yes, of course it is. 355 00:23:17,660 --> 00:23:20,660 Your president, Donald Trump, with a group of coal miners receiving an award. 356 00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:24,000 Somebody gave an award to Donald Trump. This comes at a time when Trump has also 357 00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:27,920 reversed environment policy from the Obama era to declare greenhouse gases 358 00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:30,840 endangering public health, claiming it was a giant scam. 359 00:23:31,280 --> 00:23:33,640 So what award did he get from the Washington Coal Club? 360 00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:38,280 He won the Undisputed Champion of Beautiful Clean Coal Award. 361 00:23:38,540 --> 00:23:42,960 And I cannot believe that award has allowed itself to be demeaned like this. 362 00:23:44,410 --> 00:23:48,130 Right -wing coal miners are baffling to me, you know? I grew up in Durham where 363 00:23:48,130 --> 00:23:49,950 it was all about coal mines and it was all about the unions. 364 00:23:50,190 --> 00:23:54,410 Like, when I was a kid, even fairy lights were fully unionized, you know? 365 00:23:54,410 --> 00:24:01,130 remember in the 90s? Because if one of them stopped working... One 366 00:24:01,130 --> 00:24:02,130 out, all out. 367 00:24:04,330 --> 00:24:08,870 Solidarity. He's making it out to be a huge thing, but it's just a minor award. 368 00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:15,400 what you do to get some a kid to eat their dinner it's embarrassing to have 369 00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:18,920 make up it's what the brownies and the scouts are all about i'm sure i've long 370 00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:23,280 said that why why does that have to stop you know i would definitely do my tax 371 00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:27,760 return on time if i've got a badge but why why don't we get badges for adult 372 00:24:27,760 --> 00:24:34,580 things that's not adult things it's your road job badge i would 373 00:24:34,580 --> 00:24:36,220 definitely get it but where would i sew it on 374 00:24:45,629 --> 00:24:49,270 Nothing better than a woman in a negligee with loads of badges sewn onto 375 00:24:49,270 --> 00:24:50,270 negligee. 376 00:24:51,050 --> 00:24:52,810 This one's for hands, this one's for face. 377 00:24:53,470 --> 00:24:57,290 You can get a self -esteem badge. How shit are you going to feel if you don't 378 00:24:57,290 --> 00:24:58,290 get it? 379 00:24:59,810 --> 00:25:01,870 Who else has been excited to meet Trump recently? 380 00:25:02,270 --> 00:25:03,610 Oh, Liz Truss. Liz Truss! 381 00:25:03,910 --> 00:25:04,910 Look at her little face! 382 00:25:05,170 --> 00:25:06,470 Look at her little face! 383 00:25:07,450 --> 00:25:08,610 She's so excited. 384 00:25:08,970 --> 00:25:11,290 Looks like they're about to go out first round on Pointless. 385 00:25:14,730 --> 00:25:18,230 To me, it's like when people post photographs on Facebook with the 386 00:25:18,230 --> 00:25:19,510 has good days and bad days. 387 00:25:23,450 --> 00:25:29,490 We took him for a lovely lunch at that hotel we usually go to. It's really 388 00:25:29,630 --> 00:25:32,590 I've actually done some research about this picture. I saw that picture, and 389 00:25:32,590 --> 00:25:35,230 many people know this, but that woman was the Prime Minister. 390 00:25:38,410 --> 00:25:42,810 It is a very weird thing, like, a small -time British villain meets a big, 391 00:25:42,810 --> 00:25:47,450 proper international villain, you know? It's like Scarface meeting Blakey from 392 00:25:47,450 --> 00:25:48,450 off the buses. 393 00:25:49,970 --> 00:25:50,970 I've got a question. 394 00:25:51,270 --> 00:25:57,490 In America, if two immigration agents have a kid, is that an ice -ice baby? 395 00:26:06,120 --> 00:26:07,260 You're pushing it. 396 00:26:07,860 --> 00:26:13,280 At the end of that round, the points go to Mark, Rhys and Ria. 397 00:26:18,100 --> 00:26:20,380 Our next round is Tim Heston. 398 00:26:21,060 --> 00:26:24,500 I, to the panel, have pictures of two well -known figures and ask them to tell 399 00:26:24,500 --> 00:26:26,040 me how they might be connected. 400 00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:30,920 So what connects me to international spy James Bond? 401 00:26:31,540 --> 00:26:34,900 Is it that your full name is Dara Double O 'Brien? 402 00:26:37,399 --> 00:26:41,320 It's a tragedy, really, because 007 is your sperm count, isn't it? 403 00:26:44,040 --> 00:26:45,040 That'll be fine now. 404 00:26:45,560 --> 00:26:46,760 Thank you very much. 405 00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:52,020 Is it that everyone thought in the reboot they'd both be played by a woman? 406 00:26:55,480 --> 00:26:56,960 Out of my cold, dead hands. 407 00:26:58,740 --> 00:27:00,140 Is it sex addiction? 408 00:27:09,360 --> 00:27:10,360 Kill him. 409 00:27:11,300 --> 00:27:12,820 He's got Bond girls. 410 00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:14,620 Have you got O 'Brien girls? 411 00:27:14,900 --> 00:27:18,760 O 'Brien girls doesn't sound as glamorous, I've got to say. The O 'Brien 412 00:27:18,760 --> 00:27:20,640 just sounds like, you know, sort of your sisters. 413 00:27:21,880 --> 00:27:24,320 Oh, the O 'Brien girls have been off to trouble. They've been tipping the cows 414 00:27:24,320 --> 00:27:25,320 again out there. 415 00:27:26,580 --> 00:27:30,640 It sounds like some girls who went missing sort of 40 years ago. Oh, no! 416 00:27:30,980 --> 00:27:33,200 No -one heard from the O 'Brien girls again. 417 00:27:33,760 --> 00:27:36,360 The town is still haunted by the memory of the O 'Brien girls. 418 00:27:37,480 --> 00:27:40,120 Is it that you've both got the license to kill the vibe? 419 00:27:42,580 --> 00:27:44,940 Is it that you've both got the license to kill my career? 420 00:27:46,500 --> 00:27:50,500 Is it that you've both had characters based on you in the Austin Powers films? 421 00:27:57,740 --> 00:28:01,280 Don't even finish that, don't even extend that. Sean, I've enjoyed your 422 00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:02,280 ever appearance on... 423 00:28:03,199 --> 00:28:05,600 I mean, you've got the licence to kill Sean's career. 424 00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:09,500 You've been doing the same job for decades, don't look any older. 425 00:28:10,880 --> 00:28:11,859 You're welcome. 426 00:28:11,860 --> 00:28:13,560 That's the nicest of all of them. 427 00:28:14,460 --> 00:28:17,980 Both just really attractive, charismatic people I have a lot of respect for. 428 00:28:21,500 --> 00:28:24,160 Both of you think you're the main guy, but it's sort of the teams around you 429 00:28:24,160 --> 00:28:25,160 that make it good. 430 00:28:27,120 --> 00:28:30,840 Is it both of them, despite what people may think, have actually been played by 431 00:28:30,840 --> 00:28:31,840 Irish people? 432 00:28:33,320 --> 00:28:40,260 Okay, well, I'll play... This is not a... This is a persona I have. He's 433 00:28:40,260 --> 00:28:41,260 Irish. Yeah. 434 00:28:41,800 --> 00:28:45,380 The thing that... Dara's been good to me, I suppose. 435 00:28:46,540 --> 00:28:48,520 Is it that you're wearing the same outfit in these pictures? 436 00:28:48,880 --> 00:28:52,000 I am, although I feel I'm not wearing it as accurately as he is. 437 00:28:52,740 --> 00:28:55,900 I've worn tuxedos a lot over the course of my life. Did you have to pick one in 438 00:28:55,900 --> 00:28:56,900 which I'm like... 439 00:28:59,920 --> 00:29:02,660 For some reason, I'm giving, I'm trying to give a smoldering look, and yet my 440 00:29:02,660 --> 00:29:03,760 tie is going, for Doigan. 441 00:29:05,440 --> 00:29:08,540 His picture, obviously, is James Bond, and yours would have been hosting, like, 442 00:29:08,600 --> 00:29:09,600 mortgage provider. 443 00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:13,200 No, 444 00:29:14,080 --> 00:29:15,080 it's not that. It's dude's face. 445 00:29:15,480 --> 00:29:16,960 You both won't shut up about it. 446 00:29:18,780 --> 00:29:19,860 That was an exciting fact. 447 00:29:22,190 --> 00:29:25,930 Like a moon named after you. It's very close. It's not a moon, no. A 448 00:29:25,930 --> 00:29:27,230 constellation. Not a constellation. 449 00:29:27,590 --> 00:29:29,130 Asteroids. Amazing constellation. 450 00:29:29,790 --> 00:29:30,790 Violet, a fucking alien. 451 00:29:33,150 --> 00:29:35,950 We both have an asteroid named after us. Oh. 452 00:29:36,490 --> 00:29:40,050 So we could all get flattened by the Dara O 'Brien. Oh, yeah. If it gets 453 00:29:40,050 --> 00:29:42,010 out of its path, it will destroy all life on Earth. 454 00:29:42,930 --> 00:29:45,370 You're proud of that, aren't you? For about six weeks, I'll get a lot of 455 00:29:45,370 --> 00:29:46,370 coverage. 456 00:29:47,670 --> 00:29:48,670 So why do you have this? 457 00:29:48,970 --> 00:29:50,510 How do you get this? Why did they name it after you? 458 00:29:50,890 --> 00:29:51,930 Are you a similar size? 459 00:29:52,570 --> 00:29:56,930 Us boys aren't all laughing. They're bigger than me. 460 00:29:58,910 --> 00:30:01,850 If it wasn't bigger than you and we wrote about it destroying the Earth. 461 00:30:03,970 --> 00:30:08,530 If I was fired from base, I would not destroy the Earth. I would burn up in 462 00:30:08,530 --> 00:30:12,270 atmosphere. That is true. Because you're Irish. Because I'm Irish. 463 00:30:13,990 --> 00:30:14,990 Very close. 464 00:30:18,050 --> 00:30:20,270 Yeah, well, it'd be the Guinness, wouldn't it? 465 00:30:21,970 --> 00:30:22,970 It's a white head. 466 00:30:25,210 --> 00:30:28,370 Why, by the way, independent of this, why has James Bond been in the news 467 00:30:28,370 --> 00:30:30,530 recently? I think he's facing war crime charges. 468 00:30:33,250 --> 00:30:36,110 There's speculation over who the new Bond is. As there always is, but Callum 469 00:30:36,110 --> 00:30:37,130 Turner is the name of the actor. 470 00:30:37,350 --> 00:30:38,350 There's a picture of Callum Turner. 471 00:30:38,530 --> 00:30:40,090 He looks like a Rorschach test. 472 00:30:41,170 --> 00:30:42,170 No, 473 00:30:42,870 --> 00:30:44,910 no, no, it's the guy in front, not the shape behind. 474 00:30:47,120 --> 00:30:49,680 I was thinking it was weird that my aunt's breasts were behind him. 475 00:30:52,340 --> 00:30:56,460 You know, genuinely, because this annoys me, because Callum Turner is already 476 00:30:56,460 --> 00:31:00,320 engaged to Dua Lipa. Yeah. And now he's potentially going to be James Bond. How 477 00:31:00,320 --> 00:31:02,140 good do you want your life to fucking be, mate? 478 00:31:03,020 --> 00:31:04,920 He's basically picking off everyone's dreams. 479 00:31:05,500 --> 00:31:09,140 And I genuinely, two years ago, auditioned for Johnny English Jr. 480 00:31:13,740 --> 00:31:17,460 The best thing about that is you did it two years ago, so you are already in 481 00:31:17,460 --> 00:31:18,460 your 30s. 482 00:31:19,640 --> 00:31:21,160 I was 33 years old, Angela. 483 00:31:22,160 --> 00:31:23,840 Johnny English's son. 484 00:31:24,760 --> 00:31:26,640 Doesn't have a name of his own. Johnny English Jr. 485 00:31:28,320 --> 00:31:31,280 That's what I was hoping was going to, you know, mock the weekend did. I was 486 00:31:31,280 --> 00:31:33,020 like, it's all right, I'm a film star now. Anyway, back here. 487 00:31:35,340 --> 00:31:39,660 At the end of that round, I was sheer pity. That's what we're ending on, is 488 00:31:41,470 --> 00:31:42,369 Blaming everything. 489 00:31:42,370 --> 00:31:43,370 This is my big career. 490 00:31:43,550 --> 00:31:46,510 This is how the show ends. The camera pulls slowly off your face. 491 00:31:47,830 --> 00:31:51,750 Goes out of the studio and into the rest of this lot, Elstree lot, whatever, 492 00:31:51,970 --> 00:31:56,110 where it then turns and you can see the filming of Johnny in the studio. 493 00:31:58,170 --> 00:31:59,990 It's just, I don't know, James Acaster, I don't know. 494 00:32:00,930 --> 00:32:01,930 Yeah, 495 00:32:02,550 --> 00:32:05,030 OK, at the end of that round, the point's going to Mark, Rhys and Ria. 496 00:32:08,990 --> 00:32:11,790 Join us after the break for more Mock the Week. 497 00:32:19,030 --> 00:32:22,270 Now we play a game called You Think That's Bad. 498 00:32:22,630 --> 00:32:25,430 In a world where everything seems to be going wrong, this is a chance for our 499 00:32:25,430 --> 00:32:28,430 performers to compete to outdo each other with tales of woe from their 500 00:32:28,510 --> 00:32:31,550 And I decide whose is the worst. Anyone care to start us off? I'll start. 501 00:32:31,890 --> 00:32:35,330 Oh, Angela. Do you know what I did this week? I accidentally sexted my father 502 00:32:35,330 --> 00:32:36,330 -in -law. 503 00:32:37,710 --> 00:32:41,210 I was staying in a hotel. It had nice tiles in the bathroom and he liked that 504 00:32:41,210 --> 00:32:44,310 sort of thing. So I sent him a picture and I didn't realise my reflection was 505 00:32:44,310 --> 00:32:45,310 the mirror. 506 00:32:46,650 --> 00:32:49,310 I mean, that's bad, but did he respond to the text? 507 00:32:49,830 --> 00:32:51,470 Not yet. Still waiting, Brian. 508 00:32:53,870 --> 00:32:56,930 My mother -in -law sent me a weird message the other day. I sent her 509 00:32:56,930 --> 00:32:59,630 innocent like, what are you up to? She texted back saying she's got nothing on. 510 00:33:05,040 --> 00:33:08,380 You think that's bad? I asked a friend to guess my age, and he said bronze. 511 00:33:11,480 --> 00:33:15,780 You think that's bad? My wife recently said to me the worst words a husband can 512 00:33:15,780 --> 00:33:19,000 hear. You're not sorry you did it, you're sorry you got caught. 513 00:33:19,440 --> 00:33:22,220 Yeah. I wasn't cheating, I'd wiped a yoghurt lid on the cat. 514 00:33:26,300 --> 00:33:29,580 I mean, that will get dealt with. I mean, the cat's going to deal with that 515 00:33:29,580 --> 00:33:32,420 situation. It is very much a self -cleaning thing, the cat. 516 00:33:37,080 --> 00:33:42,580 You think that's bad? And this isn't as bad. 517 00:33:45,720 --> 00:33:46,860 Nowhere near as bad. 518 00:33:47,100 --> 00:33:49,980 But you think that's bad? I recently found out the fire brigade no longer 519 00:33:49,980 --> 00:33:51,400 out and rescue cats who have stuck up trees. 520 00:33:51,920 --> 00:33:53,360 I had to set the tree on fire. 521 00:33:55,480 --> 00:33:58,940 You think that's bad? I was visiting my friend in my new fur coat and her 522 00:33:58,940 --> 00:34:00,880 husband wiped a yoghurt lid on me. 523 00:34:03,690 --> 00:34:07,750 You think that's bad? My mobile phone is so rubbish, a guy in a scooter came 524 00:34:07,750 --> 00:34:09,150 past and gave it to me. 525 00:34:10,929 --> 00:34:14,130 You think that's bad? The doctor found a bit of Lego in my bum. 526 00:34:14,650 --> 00:34:17,610 I said, is that the weirdest thing you've ever found? He said, it's not the 527 00:34:17,610 --> 00:34:18,810 weirdest, but it's definitely up there. 528 00:34:22,550 --> 00:34:26,710 You think that's bad? A doctor once found a two -pound coin up my arse, and 529 00:34:26,710 --> 00:34:28,270 we had an argument about who got to keep it. 530 00:34:29,989 --> 00:34:33,739 What did he get to keep it? It does, it is. Was that your bottom dollar? 531 00:34:37,040 --> 00:34:43,960 For the rest of the show, the aim is to find one you don't have a 532 00:34:43,960 --> 00:34:44,960 joke about. 533 00:34:46,000 --> 00:34:49,659 You think that's bad? I spent four hours the other day looking for my Kinder Egg 534 00:34:49,659 --> 00:34:51,600 toy. Turns out I'd been eating a baby belt. 535 00:34:54,900 --> 00:34:57,960 You think that's bad? My girlfriend got so annoyed at me using my phone, she 536 00:34:57,960 --> 00:34:58,960 threw it across the room. 537 00:34:59,000 --> 00:35:00,700 Luckily, I put it on airplane mode. 538 00:35:02,660 --> 00:35:07,060 You think that's bad? I'm so anxious that I tried to watch pornography, but 539 00:35:07,060 --> 00:35:09,860 were doing it in the back of a taxi, and I kept thinking, the meter's still 540 00:35:09,860 --> 00:35:10,860 running! 541 00:35:11,840 --> 00:35:15,640 You think that's bad? This guy asked me the other day if I was British, and he 542 00:35:15,640 --> 00:35:18,540 said, yeah, I am. And he said, oh, because your face isn't British. 543 00:35:21,400 --> 00:35:25,120 I would have loved to tell him to fuck off, but he still had my passport. 544 00:35:28,780 --> 00:35:33,420 You think that's bad? My friend suffered from anxiety, and I told him, if you 545 00:35:33,420 --> 00:35:35,480 ever start to panic, take a deep breath. 546 00:35:35,820 --> 00:35:36,820 He drowned. 547 00:35:39,280 --> 00:35:43,040 You think that's bad? I saw a bit of packaging earlier that said, danger of 548 00:35:43,040 --> 00:35:44,780 suffocation, keep away from babies. 549 00:35:45,000 --> 00:35:48,240 But I'm not worried, because I don't think a baby could suffocate me. 550 00:35:50,320 --> 00:35:51,580 Their hands are too small. 551 00:35:53,040 --> 00:35:55,020 They would take you down in seconds. 552 00:35:57,150 --> 00:35:58,570 At the end of that round. 553 00:36:00,190 --> 00:36:03,410 Can I just point out, don't have anything about baby suffocation by the 554 00:36:03,410 --> 00:36:04,348 of it. 555 00:36:04,350 --> 00:36:06,090 Where's your thought about baby suffocation? 556 00:36:08,290 --> 00:36:09,290 Actually, don't hold your breath. 557 00:36:15,790 --> 00:36:18,450 The point is we're going to mark reason real. 558 00:36:22,890 --> 00:36:26,630 Now we come to scenes we'd like to see. So if everyone can make their way over 559 00:36:26,630 --> 00:36:29,450 to the performance area, I'll read out this week's topics, and then we'll see 560 00:36:29,450 --> 00:36:34,290 what our panel can come up with. Okay, here we go. The first subject is things 561 00:36:34,290 --> 00:36:35,630 you wouldn't hear on a travel show. 562 00:36:36,370 --> 00:36:38,870 So, what can I say about North Korea? 563 00:36:39,110 --> 00:36:41,570 Well, if I want my passport back, absolutely nothing. 564 00:36:44,290 --> 00:36:47,430 Of course, this area used to be known for quicksand. 565 00:36:47,630 --> 00:36:48,630 But things have changed. 566 00:36:55,310 --> 00:36:59,170 On this week's episode of Great Railway Journeys, we'll be making the eight 567 00:36:59,170 --> 00:37:03,670 -hour trip from Manchester to half a mile outside Manchester. 568 00:37:06,750 --> 00:37:07,750 Mum, bye. 569 00:37:08,250 --> 00:37:11,210 I'm here in Switzerland saying bye to Mum. 570 00:37:25,450 --> 00:37:29,630 Today we pay our respects to one of Scotland's greatest female pop stars by 571 00:37:29,630 --> 00:37:31,530 visiting one of her favourite destinations. 572 00:37:32,010 --> 00:37:33,450 We are going to Honolulu. 573 00:37:38,750 --> 00:37:43,710 Here in the Dead Sea, it is impossible for anything to think, so I'm really 574 00:37:43,710 --> 00:37:46,010 regretting that crafty shit I just had. 575 00:37:49,570 --> 00:37:53,090 Hi, I'm Michael fucking Palin, and this week I'm in fucking Ipswich. 576 00:37:56,810 --> 00:38:00,190 Well, you can tell there's a lion nearby from these warm droppings I've just 577 00:38:00,190 --> 00:38:01,190 done in my pants. 578 00:38:03,950 --> 00:38:08,370 On a beach this unspoilt, you know you can go for miles without seeing a single 579 00:38:08,370 --> 00:38:10,110 living... Hi, Ramesh. 580 00:38:14,590 --> 00:38:18,490 We've been at the resort for a couple of days now, and my wife just informed me 581 00:38:18,490 --> 00:38:21,490 that one of the members of staff keeps checking her out, which is weird, cos he 582 00:38:21,490 --> 00:38:22,530 knows we're staying all week. 583 00:38:25,100 --> 00:38:27,460 It's time for the British travel show generator. 584 00:38:27,760 --> 00:38:34,400 Let's spin the wheel. Now we've got Ed Balls travelling through South Sudan on 585 00:38:34,400 --> 00:38:36,060 tandem bicycle. 586 00:38:40,100 --> 00:38:44,100 They're calling it a staycation, but it's actually six months for armed 587 00:38:46,620 --> 00:38:52,840 And the plane descends into Madrid airport, or as Ryanair call it, Berlin 588 00:38:56,710 --> 00:39:01,070 This footage of Britain's coastline really is one of the BBC's best -kept 589 00:39:01,070 --> 00:39:03,250 secrets. Not the best, of course. 590 00:39:07,950 --> 00:39:11,630 They say to really enjoy a place, you've got to go off the beaten track. 591 00:39:12,190 --> 00:39:13,630 Great, now I'm lost! 592 00:39:16,410 --> 00:39:18,150 Travel. Romance. 593 00:39:18,430 --> 00:39:20,610 Luxury. It's not for you. 594 00:39:24,680 --> 00:39:29,140 I'm here in Kazakhstan to dispel the harmful stereotypes perpetuated about 595 00:39:29,140 --> 00:39:32,360 Kazakhstan in Western media. And with me is my wife. 596 00:39:36,520 --> 00:39:41,260 The next topic is unlikely things to hear at the Winter Olympics. 597 00:39:41,560 --> 00:39:43,000 Fucking cold, innit? 598 00:39:45,720 --> 00:39:47,380 It's actually slippier than it looks. 599 00:39:51,140 --> 00:39:53,850 And now it's time... for the cross -country skiing. 600 00:39:54,130 --> 00:39:56,610 Iran, Russia, Syria, all very cross -countries indeed. 601 00:39:59,510 --> 00:40:03,670 Ice Cube was going to perform at the opening ceremony, but due to global 602 00:40:03,670 --> 00:40:05,390 warming, here's wet, wet, wet. 603 00:40:08,290 --> 00:40:12,250 Oh, that's very clever from the Russian bobsleigh team. Saving space by putting 604 00:40:12,250 --> 00:40:15,010 the smallest athlete inside the second smallest athlete inside the... 605 00:40:19,470 --> 00:40:22,330 And here at the bobsleigh, the Jamaican team is doing terribly. 606 00:40:22,590 --> 00:40:23,589 Everyone's crying. 607 00:40:23,590 --> 00:40:24,710 This isn't charming at all. 608 00:40:27,290 --> 00:40:32,790 And his dreams of Olympic gold come to an end with winning Olympic gold. That 609 00:40:32,790 --> 00:40:34,210 was a weird way to phrase that. 610 00:40:35,870 --> 00:40:36,870 I'm high. 611 00:40:40,030 --> 00:40:44,050 And that's all from the biathlon. Next up, we have the gayathlon, the 612 00:40:44,050 --> 00:40:46,870 straightathlon and the anything after a couple of pintsathlon. 613 00:40:50,240 --> 00:40:53,600 Now, I'm not saying the British curling team is middle class, but they do have a 614 00:40:53,600 --> 00:40:55,120 Filipino woman doing the sweeping. 615 00:40:59,840 --> 00:41:03,020 And they've dropped their sticks, and now they're fighting, and the blind 616 00:41:03,020 --> 00:41:04,740 bobsleigh has descended into Anakin. 617 00:41:07,720 --> 00:41:12,420 Oh, look at that. Two, three, four full flips in the air. I don't think you'll 618 00:41:12,420 --> 00:41:13,800 be allowed to drive the air ambulance again. 619 00:41:16,970 --> 00:41:21,650 This is the most nervous I've seen skaters since Dancing on Ice was hosted 620 00:41:21,650 --> 00:41:22,650 Philip Schofield. 621 00:41:26,230 --> 00:41:31,350 Welcome to Milan, home to Prada, Miu Miu, Versace and other shit names for 622 00:41:31,350 --> 00:41:32,350 British children. 623 00:41:35,810 --> 00:41:39,750 After a shaky start for the Italian, just a few days later, he's back. 624 00:41:39,970 --> 00:41:42,710 And you know, that's a little bit like Jesus, isn't it? 625 00:41:47,660 --> 00:41:48,660 Oh, I should have bought a coat. 626 00:41:53,560 --> 00:41:57,660 As they come pelting down the slope, I'm reminded that Winter Olympians have 14 627 00:41:57,660 --> 00:42:04,620 words for snow, but only one word for... And if anyone is at 628 00:42:04,620 --> 00:42:07,360 home watching the curling and thinking it might be fun to take part yourself, 629 00:42:07,640 --> 00:42:10,300 please keep in mind, every single person here is a virgin. 630 00:42:13,200 --> 00:42:14,900 Where do I get my poles from? 631 00:42:15,530 --> 00:42:16,910 Dartmouth Solutions Limited. 632 00:42:23,050 --> 00:42:28,430 And of course, beneath the slopes, the ice warriors wait, biding their time, 633 00:42:28,570 --> 00:42:32,790 dreaming their deathless dreams in chambers vast beyond a match. 634 00:42:33,130 --> 00:42:34,470 Is that Claire Balding? 635 00:42:37,870 --> 00:42:40,110 Shall we just wait till it's sunny? This is fucking shit. 636 00:42:44,030 --> 00:42:47,370 Apologies to all viewers, apparently that thing in the ice hockey is called a 637 00:42:47,370 --> 00:42:48,370 puck. 638 00:42:51,110 --> 00:42:55,670 This is lovely to see. The first ever drag queen to win gold in the bobsleigh. 639 00:42:57,970 --> 00:43:01,190 It's the end of that round. The points go to Angela, Sean and Alistair. 640 00:43:03,510 --> 00:43:05,990 Back at the end of the show, this week's winners are... 641 00:43:10,000 --> 00:43:13,480 Commiserations to Angela Barnes, Sean McLaughlin, and Alison Beckett -King. 642 00:43:14,720 --> 00:43:17,560 Thank you for watching. I'm Dara Breen. Good night.